Stalking Lily Evans
by XxRandomHeartxX
Summary: Attempting to stalk Lily Evans is a difficult feat. Especially after losing your fake earring, being pinned down by your best mate, and getting in touch with your feminine side. So much for an easy way out. Oneshot.


* * *

**Stalking Lily Evans**

**Disclaimer: **I am the almighty J.K. Rowling. Bow before me...ok, so that's a lie. But you know...feel free to bow anyway ;P

* * *

"Prongs, could you please tell me _why_ we're stalking Evans again?"

James stared at his best mate in disbelief. Wasn't it obvious? His obsession with Lily wasn't exactly something he'd hidden from them (or from anyone in the school). James Potter and his infactuation with Lily Evans was a well known _fact_. You'd have to be living under a rock to have missed it.

"Because we have to find out the _truth_, Padfoot. We have to see it for ourselves. Understand the reasons _behind_ her continual rejections. This is something that we need to get to the bottom of."

James gave Sirius a reassuring pat on the back. "We are _going_ to find out the facts, my good man. Think of us as muggle detectives going on an adventure to uncover the truth, because _justice_ will prevail."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Dramatic much?"

James ignored him, crouching down lower so as not to expose himself to the two girls in front. Who knew that hiding behind bushes could be such hard work? He could definitely feel a cramp coming on.

"Look, Prongs. I know you _like_ the girl, but _really_? Stalking her? This is not exactly going to get you in her good books. Not to mention the rather obvious answer that we already know. Perhaps she just doesn't _want _to go out with you."

"Padfoot, it's not a matter of her _not_ wanting to go out with me, it's more her...not _knowing_ that wanting to go out with me is what she wants."

"I get that. I really do. But can we stop stalking now? The bristles in this bush are really digging into my back."

Sirius hissed loudly as a thorn stabbed his hand, and quickly, James clamped a hand over his friend's mouth. However he wasn't fast enough, and before he could utter another word, the sound of Lily's voice broke the silence.

"Did you hear that?" Shit.

"I think it came from that bush over there."

He peeked through the bush and watched as a hint of red moved closer to the bush they were currently hiding behind. This was not looking good. Glaring at Sirius, James hurriedly got down on all fours, gesturing at Sirius to do the same. He listened for the footsteps that he knew were coming. Sure enough, he heard the soft sound of padding coming nearer and nearer to the both of them.

"I _found_ it!" He exclaimed excitedly, as they both came into view, identical expressions of confusion on their faces. Sirius pulled himself up, flashing a grin at the two young ladies, before grabbing James's hand and pulling him up so he was standing upright too.

"Found what?" Lily asked, suspiciously.

James faltered. "My...my..."

"His _earring_." Sirius blurted out, before James could say another word. James shot him a glare. _Earring_? They were supposed to be the best pranksters in the whole school, and all he could come up with was that he had lost his _earring_? What ever happened to their innate lying abilities? Apparently it all amounted to _nothing_ when Lily Evans was in their vicinity, because it was damn near impossible lying to the girl.

"Earring?" Both girls echoed in unison.

"Um, James." Alice said, looking at him dumbfounded. "You _do_ realise that you don't have any of your ears pierced."

"Yes, but he's planning on getting one of his ears pierced." Sirius butted in, attempting and failing to keep the smile of his face.

James grinded his teeth. He was going to _kill_ Sirius as soon as the two girls were gone. Getting his ear pierced? It looked like it was going to be death by strangulation for one Sirius Orion Black. He was going to make sure of that.

"Uh, yeah..." He said, tweaking his ear. There was no point backtracking now that Sirius had gone and ruined it for him. "I got it in Hogsmeade the other day."

"And you carry it around with you everywhere you go?" Lily asked, wry smile playing on her lips.

"No, but he's planning on getting his ear pierced today." Sirius could barely contain his laughter now.

"Can I see it?"

"No!" James blurted out, before composing himself, and staring at a very amused Lily Evans. "I-I...it's a surprise. You can see it when I get it done."

"Right or left?" Alice piped up, and James felt like he was being interrogated.

"Uh...right?" He cleared his throat. "Yeah. The right one." He looked up to see Lily staring at him with a stunned expression on his face, looking between Alice (who was grinning) and Sirius who was basically crying with laughter. Having no idea _what_ was going on, he figured that then would be the best time to make his escape.

"So, anyway, ladies." He smiled, trying to act as smoothly as he could, while at the same time attempting to grab hold of a hysterical Sirius. "It looks like we have to be on our way now."

He gave Lily a wink, then spun around as fast as possible, practically running to escape the two girls.

It wasn't until they were in the confines of the Gryffindor common room that Sirius actually broke down laughing, rolling on the floor with tears pouring from his face.

James hit him. Hard.

"Oy, what was that for? I saved you from the evil wrath of Lily Evans. You should be worshipping me."

"_Worshipping_ you? More like _murdering_. I lost my _earring_? Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Now what? Am I supposed to go out and pierce my right ear now?"

Sirius snorted with laughter again, stopping only when James narrowed his eyes furiously at him. "And what's wrong with getting my right ear pierced? I don't understand any of this."

Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "You will, Prongs my boy, you will."

James rolled his eyes. Ok, so maybe attempt number one hadn't gone so well, but if he was anything, he was determined. And one failed attempt was not going to stop him from achieving his end goal: Finding out the reason behind Lily Evans's constant rejections.

He was just going to have to be persistent.

* * *

"I hate broom closets. They're so _tiny_. Every time I come in one with a girl-"

"Padfoot, I _really_ don't want to hear about your sexual conquests right now. Or ever."

They had somehow managed to smuggle themselves into a broom closet in the corner of a quiet corridor that James knew Lily and her friends sat relatively near. They were leaning against the wooden door of the closet, attempting to listen to the conversation that the girls were busying themselves with. James wasn't too sure what it was about.

"Prongs, I get that you like this girl. Really, I do. I get _why_ you like the girl. But could you_ please_ stop making me tag along with you on these creepy, little stalker adventures."

"Sh! I'm trying to hear what they're saying."

"Of course. Wouldn't want _precious_ Lily Evans knowing that James Potter is a creepy stalker now, would we?"

"Look, if you really want to, you can leave." James said, hoping that Sirius wasn't actually going to take him up on that. Who else did he have to help him on his Lily missions? He needed someone there for moral support, and he knew he couldn't do all of this without Sirius.

"Oh yeah," Sirius remarked, sarcastically. "Because it's _not_ going to look suspicious _at all. _Me suddenly popping out of this broom closet. Besides, you need someone here to make sure that you don't screw up to badly. And, unfortunately, _I'm_ always stuck with that job."

James smiled, shaking his head. "Aw, Padfoot. Is that your manly way of saying that you love me." Other than a grunt, Sirius didn't make any other sound to dispute it. "I'm going to take that as a _yes_."

"Whatever."

James grinned, peeking through a crack in the closet to see that Lily was whispering something to one of her friends, and rubbing soothing circles down her friend's back. His eyebrows furrowed, curiosity peaking at the situation. He angled himself so he could get a better view of what was going on. He couldn't hear them so he pressed his ear against the door harder than before.

"Does anyone ever _clean_ this closet? Look at the dust. I think I might be allergic to it." Sirius sniffed.

James continued to stare out at the group of girls who were now huddled around one of the members.

"Prongs, I-" Sirius stopped mid-sentence, and James turned around. Even though it was dark, Sirius was looking at him with a strange expression on his face, and then-

"ACHOO!"

Sirius's body jerked so badly, that he set off a chain reaction. He collided into James, who was leaning against the wooden door, and _just _when he thought that things couldn't get any worse then they were now, the latch on the door gave way, and both boys tumbled out of the cupboard. Or rather, on top of one another.

Sirius pinned James down, his whole body pressing against him. He was _way _too heavy, and his breathing was coming out in rapid pants. He'd never been this close to another boy before, and honestly, he wasn't all that fond of it. It was incredibly uncomfortable, and not exactly something that he wanted a repeat performance of. Not to mention the astonished looks that were gracing all the girls faces.

Still stunned, it took James awhile to realise what had happened, but finally, he managed to force the words out, wheezing slightly. "Get off me."

Sirius, too, had been to stunned to react, but at James's words, he complied, scrambling to his feet, and offering James a hand which he ignored. James got to his feet, and brushed himself off. He probably looked flustered, if Sirius's appearance was anything to go by. And he felt his cheeks turning red.

"James? Sirius?" Lily proclaimed, shock evident in her voice.

"I-I..." His brain had frozen up on him, and the gaping look on Sirius's face seemed to indicate that Sirius was going to be of no help whatsoever.

Suddenly, Alice got up and walked over to the two of them, knowing look on her face. She winked at the two boys, before whispering something in Lily's ear.

"Oh." Lily turned bright red. "I-I...we...didn't mean to, uh...sorry. I mean, you two...you keep doing...you just...yeah..."

"No!" James exclaimed, looking anywhere but at Sirius. "Nothing happened. I...I m-mean that...it's just that-"

"It's ok, James. Nothing to be ashamed of." Alice smirked, looking between the two boys.

"It was an accident!" James said, desperately. They couldn't really believe that...oh my _god. _Sirius and _him?_ oh, god.

"Don't worry, we won't tell anyone. Promise." Alice wiggled her eyebrows, while Lily looked around uncomfortably. James tried to get her to look at him, but it seemed that she was looking at everything _but_ him. He had never felt more embarrassed in his life.

Before he could say another word, the group of girls were gone, the sound of their laughter echoing loudly in the hallway.

Both boys didn't say anything for a moment, trying to avoid each other's eyes.

Finally Sirius broke it. "_Please_ tell me that that did not just happen."

"Well, it's not like _you_ were of any help!" James snapped, running a hand through his hair. The thought of him and Sirius sent shivers down his spine. All this stalking crap was really screwing with his mind.

"Yes, because you were so great yourself." Sirius remarked, dryly. "_'I-I...it was an accident!'_. What were you thinking? Even _I_ could have come up with something better."

James narrowed his eyes. "Then why didn't you?"

"_Because_ I figured you'd get all mad at me, like when I made up the earring thing."

"Yes, because you had it all sorted. Please. You were standing around, gaping, like an idiot."

"At least I didn't _sound_ like one."

James sighed. This was getting him nowhere. Bickering with Sirius certainly wasn't going to achieve anything, other than remind him of how much he failed at stalking, anyway. So, maybe, stalking was the wrong way of going about it, but what else could he do? And determined as he was, after a second failed attempt, there was only so much rejection a young male like himself could take. Everything was going wrong, and maybe it meant that he had to change up the methods a little.

But how?

* * *

"Why doesn't she like me?" James asked, lying on the soft grass of the Quidditch pitch.

"Because she's a smart girl that knows how much of an idiot you are." Sirius replied, biting on an apple.

James didn't even have the energy to glare. "Seriously. Why?"

"I have a theory." Sirius said, taking another bite.

"And what's that?" James asked, only half paying attention.

"Well, you know how she never goes out on any dates?"

"Yeah?"

"And how she always goes out with her friends instead?"

"Uhuh?"

"And how she's not attracted to me in any way? Which is a travesty if you ask me."

James rolled his eyes. "Your point _being_?"

"I'm getting there. Patience is a virtue." Sirius cleared his throat. "I think...that the beautiful, fiery, red-headed love of your life...is a lesbian."

_This_ made James sit up. "_What?"_

"Think about it. No dates, always hugging other girls, and not attracted to me. Tick, tick, tick. Face it, Potter, she's _gay_."

"But girls _always_ hug other girls. It's some sort of girl requirement, or something."

"Denial. It's always the first stage."

"There's _no_ way."

"Well, she _could_ be asexual..."

"Lily Evans is not a lesbian. And I'm going to prove it to you."

"Ok. How?"

James bit his lip. He was doing this for Lily.

It was the only way.

* * *

"You know something, Prongs? You _actually_ look like a girl. Really."

James wasn't sure if that was a compliment, or if Sirius deserved to be hit. He was leaning more towards the latter.

"Do _not_ say a word, Black, or I _will_ castrate you."

Sirius sniggered. "Says the boy currently dressed up like a girl."

James gave himself one more look in the mirror. Unfortunately (or fortunately, in this case), he really did look like a girl. His long, brown hair ran down his back, falling into a cascade of lazy curls. His hazel eyes, which were no longer obscured by his black frames, stood out more. And he really _didn't_ look too bad. He used his wand to enhance his eyelashes a little. There. Now he looked exactly like a girl. He supposed that everything they'd learnt in Transfiguration _had_ come to be of some use.

"You're actually pretty hot. If I didn't already know you were a guy, I would _totally_ hit on you."

James shot him a look of disgust. "And I would _totally_ kill you."

"Whatever." He smirked, walking away to hide in James's room. "I'll be listening intently. And remember, there's nothing wrong with some girl on girl action. Not from my point of view, anyway."

"It wouldn't exactly be girl on girl now, would it?"

"Good luck." Sirius exclaimed, before shutting the door, and leaving James in complete silence.

Lily was going to be in there at any minute. They had Head patrol, and this was the only way he could find out for sure whether Lily was a lesbian, or not. She couldn't be, right? Then again, it would be _so_ typical for him to fall in love with the one girl that couldn't be attracted to him in any way whatsoever. He clutched at the edge of the couch. Why was he so nervous? There was nothing to be nervous about. He was just going to prove Sirius wrong.

He had counted up to number thirty-seven, when the portrait door suddenly swung open, and in came Lily, school uniform on and ready to go. She looked up to see James sitting on the couch, and her mouth dropped open in surprise. For a second James didn't know why she was staring at him like that, then he remembered. He was a girl. Of course.

"Um, excuse me, but what are you doing here?" Lily blurted out, eyeing him/her suspiciously.

"Hi!" James cleared his throat. That was too low, he needed to sound like a girl. "I, uh, I'm-"

"Are you with James?" Lily asked, cocking her head to the side.

"What?" He squeaked, watching her in confusion.

"You know...dating?" She didn't look particularly comfortable discussing the topic.

"Why?" He questioned, curiously.

"It's just...he's never brought a girl here...before..." Her eyes darted down to her feet.

"Oh, um, _no_. Actually, he's the reason I'm here, yes, but it's not like _that_."

"Ok?" Lily said, confused. "So, why are you here?"

"I'm...I'm James's cousin. My name's...it's Jemima. Yeah, hi, I'm Jemima."

James sweared he heard the sound of sniggering coming from his room, but he continued on.

"I'm new, and Professor Dumbledore said that James could show me around."

"Oh," Did Lily sound relieved, or was he just imagining it? "That's...that's great."

"If you want," Lily continued, smiling. "I could show you around if you like."

"Oh no. It's ok. I don't want you to go to all that trouble." James patted the spot on the couch next to him, gesturing for Lily to come sit down with him.

"Do you know where he is?" Lily asked, as she sat down next to him.

"Uh, Quidditch, I think. I'm not really sure."

Lily chuckled. "That boy and his Quidditch."

"Yeah." James laughed, trying to imitate Lily's girly laugh, and failing horribly.

"So." Lily said, awkwardly, tapping her feet on the ground.

"Do _you_ like Quidditch?" Making small talk. That's the way to get to a woman's heart, after all.

"Not particularly. I suppose that's why I like girls..." James froze, "...well, my girl friends more than my guy ones. I can identify with them more, since none of them like Quidditch. That's really strange actually. How none of my girl friends like Quidditch."

James stared at his feet. He didn't really like this whole 'girl friend' talk. It wasn't exactly doing much to help convince him of her heterosexuality. Now was as good a time as any to put his plan into action.

"So, Lily..." he draped his hand over the bare skin of her knee. She glanced at him/her in surprise.

"How did you know my name? I never told you." She looked down uneasily at James's hand which was still touching her knee.

James ran a hand through his hair, before remembering that it was long, straight, and not messy in the slightest. He dropped his hands to his knees, while Lily gave him a strange look.

"I, uh, he's talked about you before."

"Really?" Lily sat up, enthusiastically. "What has he said?"

"Just that your Head Girl."

"Oh." She looked rather disappointed. "Is that all?"

"You're really...nice. He said that, too."

Lily nodded, looking out the window, he couldn't read the expression on her face.

"But, you could always tell me more about yourself without him around." James took a strand of his hair and twirled it around his finger, seductive look locked into place. Well, he was hoping it was seductive.

Lily shot him another weird look, and something crossed over her face for a fraction of a second, but by the time he blinked it was gone.

She smirked. "You know something, Jemima? You're really pretty."

James swallowed. But he had been so sure...

Lily inched closer to him. He had never been _this_ close to Lily Evans before, and it was making him flush. She was extremely good at that. And she had the whole seductive peek-under-her-eyelashes thing down pat.

"I'm kind of glad that James isn't here."

He could feel her breath on his cheeks, and he couldn't help moving forwards himself. "Why is that?"

"Because _then_ I wouldn't be able to do this." And before James knew what was going on, she was pressing her lips to his, and he was trying not to spontaneously combust from the wide array of emotions that were going through his head. She was kissing him. But she wasn't kissing _him_. She was _gay_? But...but then that would mean there was no chance for him. At all.

"You're a _lesbian_?" He screamed out, as he finally found enough strength to pry himself from her lips.

"What are you talking about, _Jemima_? Or should I say, _James_?" She stood up, abruptly, red colouring all her pretty features.

James stared at her, mouth open in surprise. How did she know?

"Your transformation wore of, genius."

Sure enough, he put his hand to his hair, and half of it had morphed back into normal. Great. That's what happened with temporary transformations.

"And to answer your question, as far as I know, I am _not_ a lesbian. Sometimes I wish I _was_, though. Then I wouldn't have to deal with boys like you."

"So when you were kissing me, you _knew _it was me?" James asked in disbelief.

"_How _did you manage to get that Head Boy position again?"

"Why'd you do it then?"

"Do what?"

"Kiss me! Why'd you kiss me?" James stared at her, impatiently.

"Because..."

"Because _what_?"

"Because I needed to be sure."

"Of _what_?"

"I needed to be sure that _you_ weren't gay!" Lily exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

"And _why_ would you think that?"

Lily looked at him as though he was a child. "Maybe because all the signs pointed to you being gay."

"Like_ what?_"

"Like the earring!" Lily said, exasperatedly.

"Lily, just because I might have wanted to get an earring, and I _didn't_, doesn't mean that I'm _gay_. _Heaps_ of heterosexual guys have earrings."

"But you wanted to get it on your _right _side."

"_So_?" James looked at her cluelessly. "What is with the _side_ thing?"

"James, left means straight, and right means gay. How could you not _know_ that?"

"Wait. What?"

"You heard me."

"Regardless, that doesn't automatically _mean _I'm gay. And, really, that's a _stupid_ rule. You should be able to get whatever side you _want_ pierced."

"I know. That's why I didn't believe it at first."

"Then what _made _you believe it?"

"You and Sirius. In the broom closet."

"I told you! It was an accident! I love Sirius...but not in _that_ way. Ever."

"Yes, but think about it. You were both looking all flustered. He was on top of you. Then you weren't speaking coherently. What else was I supposed to believe that you were doing in there? It all just added up. It made sense. Not to mention the bush incident. Who drops an earring in a _bush_ anyway? Sirius and you were alone behind a bush. Like I said, it added up."

"Is that it?"

"Well. Then there's _this._" She pointed to him, and he looked around him, perplexed.

"What?"

"You dressing up like a _girl_. I mean, why the _hell_ would you be dressing up like one? Unless you and Sirius are...are role-playing or something. Look, I just...I'm confused."

"Lily. I'm _not _gay."

Lily sighed. "It could be denial."

"Lily. I'm _not_ gay."

"It's alright. I'll support you no matter what."

"Lily. I. Am. Not. _Gay_."

"Well, what _else_ am I supposed to believe?"

James ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. "_Me_! You're supposed to believe _me._"

Lily bit her lip, glancing at James before she dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Why do you seem to care so much, anyway?" James continued, watching his room for any sign of movement.

"Because I _like_ you. Ok, James? I like you. And you being gay is not exactly something that I accounted for. Besides, it still doesn't explain the earring thing, or Sirius, or the girl thing."

"I did all of that, because _I like you_."

"I don't get it."

"I was...I was following you, I guess. And most of the things that happened weren't something I planned for. This girl thing...I was just trying to figure out of you were a lesbian, or not."

"So, you were _stalking_ me?"

"Yeah." James prepared himself to be hit. He was so ready for the oncoming slap that was going to grace his face anytime soon. But in its place came words.

"That's so..._sweet_."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, you went about it the wrong way, but it really is. I presume you were trying to find out why I wasn't responding to you."

"Yeah."

"Maybe it's because I was waiting for you to ask me out again."

"But I _did_."

"James, the last time you asked me out was in fifth year. _Actually_ asked me out. Everyone knows that you like me. But you haven't asked me out since then."

"So why didn't you ask?"

"I don't know. I just...I didn't know how to go about doing it, I suppose."

"So you were waiting for me?"

"Yes, you idiot. I was waiting. And we could have saved ourselves all this confusion if it had just been clear from the start."

James couldn't believe how easy the answer had been. He couldn't believe he had gone to all that trouble, when all he had to do was just ask her out again.

"So, Lily." He put on a posh accent. It was now or never. "Would you care to grace me with your presence this evening for dinner?"

"Without a doubt, good sir." She grinned, linking her arm in his. "And you're _absolutely_ sure that you're not gay, right?"

"Look." He halted, turning to face her. "Would a gay boy willingly do _this_?" He placed his lips on hers, and everything stopped. It was just the two of them, and nothing else mattered. Not the confusion, the misunderstandings, the arguments. In that instant, everything just melded together and made perfect sense.

"I suppose not." Lily said, dopey grin on her face. "We don't need anymore Jemimas now, do we?"

"Damn right!" Came a muffled shout from James's bedroom.

* * *

**A/N: This took an incredibly long time to write. Mostly because my computer died on me when I was writing part of the second attempt (FORGOT TO SAVE! GRR), and after a lot of swearing, I re-wrote as much of it as I could remember. It's very dialogue-y, which is something that I don't normally do. But I needed something light-hearted, and not angsty to write. Plus I had this idea in my head, and I just wanted to get it down. WHY did the end have to be so damn crappy?? GAH. My excuse: it was 5am, and I just wanted to sleep.  
**


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